Not Alone
Ever since Julie passed away, I have had two separate thought patterns running through my head at the same time, the ‘normal’ everyday thoughts about balancing work and managing home life but another darker one, that wants to make things harder, sadder, heavier and more depressing. It is constantly looking for excuses to bring me down and there are plenty if you go looking for them and then there are others that find you, like it or not. Examples of these ones are normal enough, like a song on the radio or bumping into someone at the shops who you haven’t seen for a long time and they ask how Julie is. I’ve come to call this the ‘dark side’ and think of it as something to fight, not try to ignore, only by fighting will I eventually kill it off.
The hardest times are between dinner in the evening and going to bed, when my mind is less busy with the day to day and makes more room for the other side to creep in and on the weekends where I am alone a lot it’s more difficult. This weekend I took some advice I’d been given and decided to forgive myself for finding enjoyment in things and let go the feeling of guilt that has been taking the edge of everything. I somehow felt that there must be a time where it’s not appropriate to find pleasure in life and certainly not after on a few months, but I guess from where Julie is now, she would see that as a waste of time and tell me to make the most of what I have left until we are together again.
Tonight, I’d had dinner and had just watched an interesting documentary on You Tube and was feeling quite good when a song that we had at the funeral came on and immediately the ‘dark side’ reared its ugly head and my mood swung around completely. This was an opportunity to fight, I shouted out loud, NO! I will not exclude a beautiful song and a cherished moment from my life; I will keep this song alive with Julie’s memory and celebrate it. Today’s score: Dark Side 0 / AB 1.
It’s what happened next that surprised me the most, There’s a spot in the lounge that we feel a presence the most and as I walked through the space, my whole body became electric and I felt a gentle pressure around my shoulders and arms. It was strong enough for me to sit on the step which goes up to the dining room and sit there and fully experience it for what seemed like maybe thirty seconds and found myself saying thank you out loud, I had the feeling that Julie approved and was ready to help with my battles. It’s impossible to really describe the feeling when this happens but it’s like for a brief second your two worlds connected and you feel a sense of clarity, it takes your breath away then as suddenly as it comes it’s gone.
I’m going to go and enjoy the rest of the evening now and look forward to our family lunch tomorrow.