I’m Back

I’ve been away from the blog for nearly six months. Why? I don’t know, I’ve been lost in my own mind and focusing on building a hard but somewhat brittle shell around me, I guess not wanting to be hurt again, but we all know that life brings what it brings, I feel like I’ve been wasting my time. I’ve read the books, listened to the TikTok’s and have come to accept the truth now. I can function at work perhaps even better than ever because I shut everything else out and hide in there, but once it’s over or on the weekends nothing has changed. In private moments alone in the night, I am still at the funeral, standing at the gate watching the hearse pull away and so desperately wanting to chase after it and bring her back. That moment is deeply ingrained in my mind almost like it was branded in there forever.

I came here to try to get my feelings out and work through them and for a while it seemed to help, then Christmas and New Year wiped everything away in a flash and left me floundering. Tonight, I lit a fire in the garden and cooked dinner by myself in the cold evening and listened to music. It all came rushing back again and there I was looking at the hearse once again, so here I am, back to give it another go, doesn’t matter if no one reads this, if it’s on paper it’s out of my head.

Before I stated writing here, I took advice and started a journal from day one, I’m going to get it out and read it to see if there has been change and I have forgotten what it was really like to walk out of the hospital for the last time and how it felt to go home. I’m sure there has but I’ll see, I might post some of it if it’s not too painful.