The Second Christmas

Normally at this time of year it’s common for people to say, wow, where did that year go, it seems like only yesterday we put the tree down, but for me this year has been very long, with everyday feeling like two, especially the nights and no matter how much sleep I get I’m always tired. Granted I have gone out of my way to keep busy, but as soon as the sun goes down, so do I.

I suspect last Christmas we were all still in shock but now this one is all about grief and the realisation that the old life has gone forever. How your perception can change and you can become a completely different person almost overnight. Sometime this week I realised that I used to be scared of dying too early, though I had always suspected that of the two of us, I would, given some of the past things I’ve been up to, have passed first. Now I find myself not scared of dying but of living too long, without Julie.

I think it happened when I watched a tv show about places where people live the longest and then it dawned on me, what if I don’t die for ages, what if I live another twenty years! I just can’t imagine it and how am I going to hold on to her memories that long? Even now I find myself watching what few videos I have of Julie speaking, just so I can remember her voice.

Anyway, not to get too far ahead of myself, there’s another year coming up and some good things to celebrate. My son and future daughter in law get married so there’s a big event which Julie will be watching closely I’m sure, so we will be doing our best for her.

This will most likely be the last Christmas in our family home of 40 years as we sell up and I find an easier to manage home for one and maybe a dog. I won’t be sad as I constantly replay something in my head over and over again, when I was pushing Julie’s wheelchair through the front door out to the ambulance heading to the palliative care unit, we stopped to get over the door sill with the chair and Julie looked up at me and said, ‘well, I guess I won’t be coming back here again’. I’ll never forget those eyes.

One thing is that I at least understand where I am, the diagnosis is high functioning depression and it’s so true, for work I think no one would know anything too much different, same old me, but outside of that I have no energy for social events and prefer to be alone. I feel at peace when I’m out in my van by the sea or in the country where I can talk to Julie. So, for now that will have to do for me and allow my batteries to charge to keep going.