Looking Back

I did what I said and opened the journal from the early days after Julie had left and to be honest I couldn’t and didn’t need to go far into it to realise that indeed I have come a long way since those first few weeks. The night demons hardly come now and I’m much more prepared to deal with them when they do. I no longer sit staring aimlessly at a tv that’s not even on and no longer find myself asleep on the loungeroom floor when the sun comes up. So, a good reminder that I am getting better at managing and that’s what it is, managing rather than getting over, which I’ve said before is not what I want to do, I have no intention or wish to ‘get over’ the passing of my soulmate. My goal is to find peace and continue until it’s my turn to go.

I do know now that this journey is still beginning and that it’s a long road, the first stage is over, I’m calling it the recoil stage, where you are hit hard, harder than you ever thought possible and you have to stand up again. Well, I am standing up now until the next time I fall over. You see recently I did fall off the horse and I can’t pin down why, but suddenly I started having panic attacks and deep bouts of sadness in the evenings and weekends. The difference this time was I had the knowledge to self-medicate, by calling the doctor and getting permission to increase the dosage of my tablets and reconnecting with a councilor to just talk to someone who can give advice. I feel blessed to have found the right person and within two weeks I was able to drop back the medication to the previous level. I have decided to continue counselling for an extended period as I feel it is very helpful and would definitely recommend it. This I feel is the first step of the second stage, which I don’t have a name for yet.