Year Two Begins

It’s been a couple of weeks now and despite what you hear, year one may be the most dramatic but moving past that stage, I realise that now I can see more clearly a long uphill daily battle to continue on. The realisation that the next part of my life lays ahead and it’s the same as it is for everyone, part what you make it and part what happens to you. Problem is I’m no longer the same person I used to be, so much of what I would have done is no longer available to me. I have what is termed, high functioning depression, which means I can go out into the world each day and have from the outside, what looks like a normal day and for the most part it is as I enjoy working. However, once the day is over it’s like a dark cloud comes over and I lose any energy I have and start going backwards over the events of the last two years. I even start feeling guilty if I haven’t thought about Julie during the day as if in some way it’s being disrespectful to her to forget too quickly, which sound silly when I say it but that’s what happens. I worry I can’t remember her voice some nights so end up listening to the very little amount of video we actually have where Julie speaks. I don’t expect there’s much I can do about this just keep going as usual and hope things gradually get easier to cope with.

In the meantime, I have at least managed to start a little project for myself which I have talked about for ages but couldn’t get the energy to start. I bought myself a van to convert into a sort of weekend camper, not something to live in for an extended period but perfect for weekends away or overnight stays for work if needed. I will be doing the conversion myself as much as possible as something to do during the light nights over the next month or however long it takes. I think travel has always been in my blood so I think spending weekends away will be a good way of spending time.