Parallel Lines
I want to get something out of my head today, for a week or so now I’ve had an uneasy feeling that things are going a little too well, or at least much easier than normal. The trouble is I’m not sure which normal I’m thinking about, the normal as in the last three years which have been hell or the normal before that where we only had the usual stuff to deal with like everyone else. On the surface I appear to be doing well by outside standards, working, shopping, cooking etc., but that’s physical and if you're lucky enough to have the physical and mental strength to do those things, then it’s just normal stuff. I would totally understand anyone who couldn’t find the strength or the reason to try to carry on as normal and some days I feel like something is wrong with me, even a sense of guilt of not feeling bad enough as if it might be disrespectful. It’s like having two parallel lives that keep swapping over continuously during the day.
I’ve lived alone before for relatively short periods of time when working overseas and have felt these feelings before, but with the knowledge it wasn’t permanent and I’d be home soon. I am worried that is exactly what’s happening now, my mind still thinks Julie will be back eventually and this could be just another shock waiting to happen? I really can’t believe she’s gone; it feels like one day I’ll wake up and Julie will be home and until then I feel like I’m viewing life from the outside as if somehow I’m not part of it. When I go to the supermarket I feel like there’s everyone else and then there’s me and I am carrying a secret that I can’t tell anyone and by the time I’m done I just want to run out of there and back to my own quiet world. One of the reasons I started this blog was to help me track this new life and looking back now I can see a pattern emerging where one day is quite good and the next it’s not, but that’s pretty standard for anyone, so what part of my feelings are directly relating to Julie and what part are the feelings I would have anyway, it’s very confusing.
I’m going to talk to a grief councilor tomorrow to get a professional opinion about this, as I’m not ready to be knocked down again. I know from past experience that you can’t run away from problems, they are persistent creatures and the only way is to get through them to the other side and if the quickest way through them is with external help and it’s available, then my advice is to take it. I’ll share my experience.