Four and Half Months

Today has been a funny sort of day, a normal work day sitting at the computer with a nice lunch break with a close friend and a chance to talk about other things for an hour in the open air. This evening I went to the supermarket and then a haircut, then home to have dinner with ‘the kids’. It’s only been four and a half months since Julie passed and some days it feels like forever and tonight that’s how I’m feeling, like I’m starting to disconnect from the deep grief and sadness, no longer am I getting those tight pains in my chest when I literally thought I might be having a heart attack, they are being replaced by some kind of disbelief. I feel like I am almost remote viewing life from a different position or as I have heard the phase, frequency. I’m going through the motions but not really feeing life, I’m doing things I have to and things I want to but there’s feeling and in the back of my mind saying, just go to bed and hide. The newest thought that’s come up is that I am worried I am forgetting how Julie sounded, I know that seems strange, but I find myself searching through videos of Julie talking, which really, we don’t have that many and sometimes in the night I can’t help calling her phone number just to hear the answering machine message as it brings her back to life for a couple of seconds. I know this doesn’t sound very healthy mentally but sometimes the quietness is so loud.

It’s coming up to weekend again and that’s more difficult than the weekdays as I have more time to think, but this weekend I’m going to try spending time in the garden and see if I can try connecting on a spiritual level. I feel a bit odd saying that out loud, maybe even a bit desperate, but I’m not, it’s just another promise we made each other to try to connect and keep trying, if the things that are already happening can be made to come through stronger then maybe we will really be able to connect.