A Place For Us

So many thoughts competing for space in my head these days I feel myself rushing through life looking for some peace in a safe spot, but you can’t hide from thoughts. Well, if I’m focused on something important like work where I have to block everything else out, I can escape for a while, but thoughts are patient and are willing wait until you’re not looking.

This last few days I’ve tried to set time aside in the evening and let those thoughts have their space and at first it was quite depressing even scary, then I noticed something, they’re the same old thoughts from just after Julie passed, nothing’s changed, so what’s going on with these thought’s, no new material? Can’t you do better than that, the old how am I going to live without Julie? What if something happens to me, how will the kids cope? Well guess what, been there, done that for months and I’m over it, you’re going to have to do better than that. I’m not saying for a minute this is easy, but I do believe that confronting your thoughts can take away some of their power. If you’re reading this and thinking I might give that a go, don’t be afraid of asking someone to do it with you, unlike me who seems to have to wait until it’s the middle of the night and the silence is deafening.

Now this is not all that’s been happening in this head and indeed this house lately, Julie and I have found a spot where we can feel each other’s presence every single day. If I need to talk I just go to our spot and I get the feeling she’s next to me pretty much every time. Sometimes I know she’s not there and must be with the kids or somewhere else doing things I have no idea about. Skeptics would say that it’s psychosomatic and I’m subconsciously making the hairs stand up on my neck and a pressure like squeezing on my arms, but we in this house are way past calling everything a coincidence as so many things happen. Lately I’ve had thoughts just randomly come into my head about dinners Julie would cook and we don’t have anymore and then I find myself in the kitchen making them with no recipe book and everyone says they taste just like Mum used to make. I seem to feel her presence whilst I’m doing this, it’s quite nice.

The thing that has been running through my head for months now is the question of where is Julie? For the purpose of this blog and my sanity, I’m discounting those who maintain that there’s nothing after death and the funny thing is this; if there’s nothing after death, they will never be able to prove their theory, but if there is, then at least they will know they’re wrong, so it really a no win situation to go down that track is it? So move over ‘Where’s Wally’ and let’s have a game of ‘Where’s Julie’. By the way this is personal, I have no issue with anyone’s god as long as they are not trying to sell them to me, I’ve yet to see someone brandish a card that says, this person is authorised to sell god and plots in heaven. Having watched many documentaries on space and the universe, I have an issue with up and down and the sheer size of everything, so for me exactly where heaven might be poses an interesting question and how to think of Julie being somewhere is important to me. What I am looking for, like a lot of other people I guess, is peace now, not something that’s been high on my list previously. To find peace I think I need to tie up those loose ends, those questions without answers, those thoughts that won’t go away. How to tie up those loose ends? Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way for me to find peace is to work out my vision of god and heaven and then have faith in that god and that process to give me strength to take advantage of the time I am here and faith that all will be well again one day.

I haven’t finished working out exactly my vision and maybe it will change with time, but for now I have a place and to borrow a quote from a famous old TV show; ‘Between the pit of a man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge, is a dimension of imagination, it’s an area we call The Twilight Zone’ I think this place lives alongside us and not way above us and with a little practice we can get to visit it.