One Step Forward Two Steps Back
It’s only eight days since I was last here, but it seems longer. Some bad news this week for someone close, the cancer demon has reared its ugly head once again and will take them away from us very soon. Going the hospital again opened up the wound and the thought’s I’ve been trying to keep away suddenly rushed back and I feel like it’s only just happened again. I feel bad for saying this out loud as it’s not me that’s about to fade away, but I’m here to write the truth or at least my version of it as some days I’m no longer sure what’s true and what’s not.
In the past we made plans and we stuck to them and eventually they came to fruition and when things were tough we would say, well we do have a plan and we are still on track it’s just a bump in the road, we’ll get there. I think the trouble is now I can’t decide on what my plan is, not long term but for the next few years, it seems somewhat pointless most days as whatever it is it will be Plan B. The irony of this is that all my working life people have said to me ‘you always have a plan B don’t you, you just won’t give up’ and it used to be true, but now I don’t and it feels scary and a part of me wants to give up but I know that’s not an option.
It’s become very tiring trying to keep busy so I don’t have to think, so somehow I need to map out a plan. Once my doggy visitors have gone home in a couple of weeks, I think I’ll give that new tent a test run for a couple of days and see how some time completely alone works out, I’m hoping that no distractions might let me talk to Julie and work on a plan.
Now before I go, I need to tell you something strange again, last night, well 5am this morning to be precise, I got up to get a drink and slipped on a step and fell completely over, just couldn’t stop myself, but just as I hit the floor I seemed to stop and then gently float to the ground. It all happened in a second and then I got up thinking ’that should have hurt’ but I didn’t feel a thing, just went and put the kettle on and then back to bed. I hope when I get more time alone I can investigate this stuff more, might be a good hobby.